The Meaning of Life

28. Februar 2015 at 23:53 (Posts in English) (, , , , , , )

Ever since I’ve grown old, time has developed the habit of expanding. I can sit for infinite stretches of time, sunk in the cushions of the red and blue chequered armchair in front of the window, for hours and hours on end, but the clock on the wall and the calendar beneath it don’t feel the same way. Reluctantly, they are clinging to every second of every day, ticking them off oh so slowly. At night, when it’s too dark to see them, these sneaky little bastards diminish their pace to a dog’s unhurried walk through the streets of New York, stopping at every damn corner, sniffing, peeing, marking his territory with the utmost care.

I can still hear them, my hearing has gotten rather better than worse, sometimes I even wince when Ms. Fisher’s television set roars to life in the adjacent room. I think I have never even bothered to turn mine on, there must already be a thin layer of dust clinging to the receiver sitting on top of the grey cube of entertainment and horrors. I have somehow stopped to care about what is going on outside of these four walls, politics, science, society – it just doesn’t concern me anymore. I’ve left the system, I am in a place where there are different rules, the present and the future are irrelevant, all that counts is the past.

My memory is my refuge, it is a cinema that plays only films I know from back to front, a soothing experience. There are no unpleasant surprises, there’s no bitter taste at the end of a film, I’ve locked up the disturbing movies in a place where I won’t be able to stumble upon them again.

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been here or how long I am going to stay. All that matters is that I fill the minutes that are left with joy, not the bubbling, explosive joy of my youth, but the calm and steady joy of old age, the bliss of not feeling pain for two minutes at a time, the relief of not knowing anymore how many days have passed since somebody has paid you a visit.

It is all good, everything is forgiven and in one of these exasperatingly long seconds, I will finally figure out the meaning of life.

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